It’s hard seeing women who were due after me give birth. I feel so happy for them but there is part of me that feels like I am failing at such a natural process. A process that is my birth right.
This is a raw post - one that I began this morning and actually feel deeply grateful that I have turned a massive corner since allowing these words to flow out of me. And a chat with my dear sister Avalon Darnesh and channelled message via my Mama Sandy helped too! I feel back in the JOY... but more on that in a moment.
In these last weeks I feel as if I am holding up my baby's arrival in some way and with this comes a deep feeling of guilt and responsibility. Whether this is rational or not is yet to be revealed but I have no doubt I am not alone in these feelings.
In Australia 1/3 of women are induced (please don't quote me on these stats - this is just what I have heard). As far as I know this is because the hospital system will not happily allow women to get to 42 weeks (despite the fact that 37 - 42 weeks is the usual gestational period) but all medical industry bashing aside (as I know it has its place) what I am really wondering is why it is that babies stay in so long? Is it actually because they need more time to develop? Or is it because women these days - as we have been somewhat removed from our natural way of being, pulled into our survival instincts and our need to be in control that we find it harder to let go. Our cervixes are locked tight like our jaws and our babies are patiently waiting to come earth side… yet getting held up by up-tight mamas who are just not quite ready to fully surrender. This can be seen in our sex lives too... not quite ready to surrender and lose control... to fully dissolve into divine union.
I mean we say all the prayers, we do all the stuff we need to be ready for baby, we get our birth playlist ready, we pre-cook and freeze food, we prepare the home birth space or pack our hospital bags (depending on preference), we talk to baby and ask them to come - doing our best to affirm our readiness… BUT ARE WE REALLY ALL THERE? Or is there some energy blocking us and holding up the process?
Many women will say “babies come when they are ready” and I firmly believe this - but, as I type away at 41 weeks + 2 days I am aware of something in my field. A reminder or sense of responsibility that this might be my shit and not just the baby’s need for more incubation.
And it is so upsetting.
So upsetting as this feels like the first primal task as a mama - to be the vessel for this baby to enter the world with as much ease as possible... and it hurts because I feel like I am failing.
As women, we tend to put so much pressure on ourselves to be a certain way. And, although we know we cannot have expectations of our birth (despite all the prep we can do) it is inevitable that they creep in. Take me for example - I work with women to connect to their yonis, their divine feminine-essence, to release womb trauma, to reconnect to the Earth and I have been doing my darnedest to practice what I preach in this pregnancy but I now have this overwhelming feeling of fucking it all up! An intense sense that I am unable to let go in some way and it is perplexing me so much! Failing to let go so my baby can come… and it makes me so sad. It also alerts me to how - once again - I am placing undue pressure on myself to achieve "perfection" in the most uncontrollable of environments - crazy I know!
And the funny thing is that I don't really feel like I am holding on. In fact my cervix feels as if it is dilating and baby is so low and in position (I have felt he/she burrowing lower and lower over the last few days - an intense feeling you have to experience to grasp), I am sounding, singing and visualising the baby earth side.
The only thing I do know right now - after the last month of living in some weird baby waiting holding pattern - is that this third trimester is by far the hardest mainly because it is such a head fuck! There are so many times since 37 weeks that I have felt at the crest of the mountain, ready to take the leap of ultimate trust and then something has stopped the process. And before you say it as I know you are thinking it - yes - everything is happening as it should be but it doesn’t make it any easier right now. And now having gone "over due" now (in the medical sense) I am questioning everything.
Cue a need for deeper acceptance and surrender...
I know I live my life very publicly and perhaps this is part of the problem. This is by no means a yearning for stardom (although I do enjoy being seen) but more of my way of navigating situations… especially difficult situations - I share. I am on this earth to guide and teach and usually this is through my own lessons and experiences - hence I share it all in total authenticity with the intention that it might help you too. But now I am really not sure what I should be doing… this is new territory and it feels wobbly.
Should I be shutting my computer and putting a cork in all of the words and feelings that want to flow out of me right now? Should I write my heart out but not share it online... yet? Should I just meditate, play my drum and pray for baby to come before I get any more induction pressure? I am genuinely at a loss yet feel so much responsibility that it could be something I am doing that is holding up this process.
The hilarity is it is so rare for me to be so in my head... so questioning... as I usually just KNOW but these last weeks have really been the kicker.
People are telling me to eat more spicy food and have more sex. I would LOVE to be having sex but - if I am honest - my yoni is so sore and sensitive and I am so big it just does not flow. Self pleasure maybe but even reaching my yoni is hard.
As a life long experimentalist who calls in experiences and lessons for my own evolution - often to give me more depth to teach from as this is my purpose in this earth walk I feel a sense of gratitude for what I am navigating right now. Maybe it is part of my future of working with mamas (as feels to be coming) that I need to experience the induction talks at the hospital, the extra tests to check is baby is OK, the extra long pre-labour that I have had and the feeling that baby would come early due to all of the body stuff I have had go on… I feel the joy and the gratitude for all of this...
but I am really ready to LET GO!
Earlier today I wrote that I need to practice acceptance. Acceptance that this is where I am at right now… that my birth may not be what I have imagined it to be. That baby will be OK and come out in the perfect initiation for both of us.
But now I realise - with a huge smile on my face - I actually just need to be in JOY. To stop listening to everyone else and do what makes me feel EXPANDED. To write and share when I feel to write, to rest when I feel to rest, to watch Netflix without guilt that I am looking at too many screens or watching too much trash, to cuddle my husband and eat chocolate and parmesan cheese. To dance to dirty deep house music naked in the mirror...
why? Because this all feels fun..!
and when I am in JOY and FUN I am relaxed and happy. All is well in the world. And I get the fuck out of my own head and this ridiculous space of worry, guilt and responsibility I have wrapped myself in. And goodness knows we do not need to be in our heads when we enter the birthing portal!
I do know one thing thing that might physiologically hold up birth - and that my friends is cortisol... and cortisol is released when we are in a stress response. Oxytocin and endorphins are what I am asking to flow now and these comes from being in a space of safety, connection and happiness... so I'm going to listen to what my body needs to be in this space and ask my baby what they need to be OK.
Body and baby know best after all...!
For mamas in the same space as I am right now... I feel you. I love you - please know that everything is going to be just wonderful! You are being wrapped in the most divine rainbow colour light frequency and are totally supported by your energetic team (of Guides, Angels and those of other dimensions). You team is cheering you on with so much love and excitement and you are doing an amazing job at sailing through the tricky new waters... just trust that you have everything you need to get through this time.
Stay in that joy.
Create that joy and laughter with all at your disposal
Turn towards laughter.
Turn towards love and light.
Turn towards the plans for the coming months.
For in this you are creating the perfect field of light and love that this baby is being drawn towards on a minute-by-minute attraction.
Love, SJ x