Wow... it's been so long since my last post.
My life over these last 6 months as a Mother has been so full and huge. I have felt so high and elated, bursting at the seams with love for my new star being (and beloved husband)… but have also felt challenged. Torn by wanting to continue to ride the waves of creativity that flow through me but acknowledging that taking deep exhales of surrender is my path right now.
I have felt jealous looking at my sisters birthing new work and getting involved in the festivals I have always loved. They seem so free with space to do whatever they please just as I used to although, in hindsight I feel like I took all that time for granted...
but in the same breath have found an immense sense of relief and wholeness that I have embarked on a new path. A path that I have always yearned for.
Motherhood certainly feels a lot bigger than I could have ever imagined… but I am grateful…
I am completely supported, both by my beloved, and Spirit. I have no need to worry to create or generate abundance. I have the luxury to completely relax into where I am now… and despite all of this I am hard on myself and I feel the maiden inside fighting and complaining as she throws tantrums and rages…
“I want to do more retreats, I want to go dancing… I want to do my work... oh but I really want to do that workshop… aaaaargh”
I don’t want to be forgotten!
Fears of losing my identity and dissolving even further into my new role of Mother… merging with the sea of mothers who have come before me is terrifying… yet at the same time deeply empowering as I have come to know a sense of inner power, courage and strength that I never knew I possessed.
The mother journey walks us into the underworld asking us to surrender who we are in total service to another. For most of us this is painful… even when we have desired it for so long. Like the caterpillar dissolving to become a butterfly we too turn to mush. A sleep deprived, worn out state. Our bodies transformed (dare I say it “trashed”) beyond recognition in the process of pregnancy and birth and our world turned upside down...
...and yet we step up and selflessly serve like never before.
I find myself wondering what it would be like to become a mother in a time when we are not so driven, perhaps having babies when we were younger and not so established in who we are and on our paths... if that makes sense. Maybe the surrender would have felt easier then... I'm not sure.
Perhaps this is not all of your experience… but I have to say this journey has been much bigger than I ever envisioned, especially for my beloved body. It is not that I wanted to get my “pre-baby body” back as am comfortable with the extra padding that provides nourishment for my hungry babe but it is the deep transformation that has gone on within. Physically I am altered, and I learned this the hard was when I excruciatingly inflamed a disc in my back after a gentle yoga practice (well maybe it was a little too dynamic for my post partum body). It felt so good to move like me again… in fact this was my yearning after my wild birth.
“I can’t wait to feel like me again”
I asked questions of fellow yogis and dancers… asking when can I practice again? 2 months… 6 months? But now I acknowledge that, although the strength may come back, my body has been through such an initiation that I have evolved into a new way of being and perhaps the “me” I have known and loved is gone forever.
Energetically this is felt so much.
If we talk in archetypes, ever since I became pregnant I felt myself stepping into my Queen. I was honoured by everyone I met (as so many pregnant women are - and all should be)! I felt myself expanded, more whole and so much more embodied than ever before. All of the archetypes rolled into one… the softness and nurturing of the mother, the strength and courage of the warrior, the sensuality of the lover and the mystical connection of the priestess walking between worlds and birthing new life through her womb.
My life has become so much more simplified as I slowly (and often begrudgingly) release my work. Right now I have three international retreats, and my Sisters of the Moon virtual temple and the odd ritual practice and that is all. I am missing my writing the most as rarely find the space as baby needs me all the time… so I am grateful for this 15 minutes while he sleeps to pen this note to you.
I often feel as if I am letting myself down as I do not have the space for my daily meditation and yoga, the little rituals that make me feel good. I do have time in the evenings but I am often so tired watching a film or netflix is more where I am at… and that is OK.
Now my simple practice is the deep intimacy I feel when I am breastfeeding my babe, gazing into his eyes and feeling myself merging with Spirit; the deep belly breaths I take as I plug myself into earth and stars and call myself back into alignment. Sometimes I get frustrated that I am getting left behind spiritually as I am not doing my usual “work” and I look around and compare myself to others who seem to be advancing so very fast…
but then I breathe and realise how activated I am in every moment. Like this transition to mother has opened portals in myself that I previously had to work to access.
A sister just wrote in my Priestess group that I am likely to be turning inwards for at least 5 years, specifically if we have another baby, and when I read these words I though - ARRRRRGGGH. NO! I cannot take it for this long.
But day my day, breath by breath I know all is as it should be… as I am creating it this way.
I prayed to the Goddess for a deep dive of surrendering into the Great Mystery and this is certainly what I am on. And even when I feel myself resisting with every cell I have full trust that wherever this wild ride is going is exactly what I need to experience.
If you see me in the street wrangling my wrigley, giant baby you may see more of a hot mess with unwashed hair, dirty clothes and bags under my eyes but there is an energy... an new sense of grounding... a deeper connection to the Mother, to Gaia, to the cycles of birth and death of this life. If you can shift your focus and see beyond the exterior I promise you will catch a glimpse of the the most radiant Queen you have ever seen.
She is in all of us... mothers or not... the initiations of this life remove the layers and remind us of her. If you quieten now and plug into the womb of the earth you may hear her whisper to you. Ask for her to show herself to you and help you rise in full embodiment of your divine grace in the here and now.
I see you and am here to support you sweet goddess... reach out anytime you need me.
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I am sending you masses of love from our little temporary home at the beach in Bali and am so excited to be off on our adventure for this year. Totally open to inner guidance as we really do not know where we will end up. There is always a loose plan and the odd teaching date to meet but the rest is up to Spirit.
Love, SJ x