Relaxing into the "in between"

This space of waiting for baby is a funny place to be.  Some call it the "in between" and I would have to agree!  

Last week I felt as if I was not ready.  I still had activation calls for my women's groups pencilled into my diary and the 'to-do' list was lengthy (a bit like all the goals you set yourself before you go overseas and take leave from your job) and it suddenly occurred to me that while I have stuff that I feel like I need to achieve there is no space for this baby to come.

So I have now begun the process of consciously making the space... 

As the baby has seem-ably been so ready to come for over 4 weeks, I feel as if we were kicked into gear a while back but I had been sending a clear message to baby to stay inside until at least 38 weeks (and I am now almost 39).  I think I had assumed that my "readiness" would activate when I hit full term/40 weeks, given that so many first time babies go over term (right?).  But at 34 weeks when I was checked by our midwife her face said it all.  Her look of surprise of exactly how fully engaged our baby was (meaning his/her head was fully in my pelvis - a sensation that must be felt to be understood) gave us the indication that, although the baby may not come any time soon, we should probably get ready (cue wide eyed looks from my beloved and I).   

And so commenced the calling in of the extra bits and pieces of baby paraphernalia and the installation of the car seat.  The birth pool was received but god dammit there was no way I was up for inflating it as the baby felt so close any little signal to come out might be jumped on - this was my feeling anyway and I was inclined to keep my legs tightly crossed.  I was even terrified of going to see my osteopath as I was concerned that if anyone touched me this baby would take it as a green light to GO GO GO! And I have to admit when I did see her she was more or less of the same opinion...  

and given all of these red flag feelings of resistance ... I acknowledged just how "not ready" I was. 

It was as if my maidenhood was being ripped from me prematurely and this was sad and terrifying. Although I fully acknowledge that babies come when they are ready to come, choosing the vibration and frequency of the day they arrive in the world, I had come to expect that I had til mid September to continue to prepare for this imminent birth. 

And this is when I realised that this need for READINESS was never going to happen.

How can one feel prepared for something that is so BIG that the conscious mind cannot begin to fathom it?   On one hand I had a million mamas reminding me of how much "my life is going to change FOREVER" (and I have to say I receive this info with gratitude but sometimes when it is tinged with such negativity and dwelling on the loss of what once was I choose to reject this energy - ugh - it comes through so strong - maybe some of you will resonate) and others reminding me that all will become clear as soon as the baby arrives in this world. Assisted by a healthy dose of oxytocin and love vibes!   

All of this I know in my cells and fear is not specifically what I feel.  It is more just a difficulty in being about to stomach the BIG-NESS of this initiation and the degree of surrender into the unknowing that is required.  

There was thinking I was so great at "diving into the mystery" when I was asked to take it up a notch! 

I was chatting to a friend earlier about how much preparing for a home birth is like doing production for an event.  There is the birth space to create, making sure you have the attachments to fill the pool, extra ground sheets and towels, extra water heating devices, cameras and questions of birth photography, playlists and sonic alchemy, where you will have your third stage to birth the placenta, what you will do with the placenta... and which sheets to put on the bed as everything we own seems to be white!  The food to cook and freeze, the labour aide to make, the essential oils to carefully concoct into potions to relieve stress... as you can imagine the lists have been endless and I am forever grateful to my beloved husband who has been running around doing much of the provisioning.

And the funniest thing about this "event" that is so carefully prepared for is you never actually know when it will take place.  Maybe the day is TODAY or maybe we have 3 weeks...? If it is 3 weeks then god dammit I will likely need to clean the house another 10 as I have become hyper manic about dust and hygiene! (you can picture me washing all of the already clean sheets from the cupboard - yes this has been happening a lot!)  

Another thing that has stumped me is how to prepare for something I have no embodied experience of.  For example - how do I know which music to put in a playlist to help me through labour until I have had a tangible experience of what labour will mean for me?  I know what music I like to dance/relax to but this does not mean it will be appropriate in the throes of the most primal experience of my life.  

I feel as if some women have such a clear visioning of what they want their birth to be like and they plan it down to the last detail.  I am not that woman and, although I have put considerable enthusiasm into creating the energetic vortex of our birthing space and calling in my higher team I have not attached to anything physical that I need - if that makes sense.  Mainly becuase I have zero clue of what I will want and how I will react.  

I do not know what I will need to eat when I am labouring, I do not know what smells I will want to smell, who I want in my space, what I can handle and what will repel me.  But what I do know is that all will be revealed to me in the moment... and I will respond in due course.  But yeah - it has made provisioning a lot more difficult. 

This is what makes the questioning and the pondering of this "in between" time all the more interesting.  

I feel my strength as a woman... I feel my body ripe and ready... I feel my yoni elastic and blossoming... I feel my pelvis opening and expanding... and I feel the baby bearing down in every moment.

I do not question my strength or ability to bring this baby into the world.  I have a strong knowing that my body will take care of everything.  I feel the closeness of the time when I will journey to the stars to retrieve my baby's soul... when I will be the dimension bridger and walk between worlds.  It is exciting and stimulating - particularly in this potent energetic time on our planet when I feel as if I am becoming a portal to birth not only this baby but the New Earth.   

BUT - I would be lying if I didn't admit to having some wobbles about the precipice I have reached (and the fact that it is almost time to jump) ...  and the maiden I am leaving behind to become the mama (you can ready more about my Maiden to Mama ceremony here).

One thing that comforts me so greatly is knowing I am not alone in this initiation journey.  We are all in a process of shedding right now.  Of releasing our old identity and conditioning to fully embody who we truly are.  Our divine essence.  I just happen to be having a big physical process at the same time - so typical of me to need to take the full embodiment approach.    

I am really enjoying being able to share these moments with you now as writing my way through is my way of making sense of all of the feelings I am navigating. 

And if you too are in the same boat... I hope my words help.  

I love you - I am holding you.. we are all in this together.

On birthing a baby

Some women will tell me I’m crazy… but I can only do what I feel.

I am going into my baby birthing with almost no reading or research
I have not done a course
I have not learnt the breathing techniques
I have not read the books

But what I have done is taken a lot of space to listen to my body and to commune with my baby
to feel into the process, tuning into the collective energy of my ancestral lineage of women
of birth supporters, life givers and creatrixes

The more I can be present to the messages I am receiving
To quiet my conscious mind and allow myself to embody the experience the easier this process will be

when I give my power away to the wisdom and information from others I pull myself into the land of logic and reason
a linear space … where magic and fludity find it hard to live
My brain works over time to create a story about what my experience will be

Now is not the time for stories and attachments to how I want things to be
Now is the time for getting out of the way 

On a deeper level than ever before

This getting out of the way to allow Spirit to speak, move and dance through me has been my greatest learning in this life
I’ve done the studies only to throw them out for a purer wisdom
receptive to the moment
receptive to the energy
this is the only way I can fly in this world
energy is who we are 

you may ask have I visualised the process?
No - not really... all I feel is deep anchoring into the earth and the stars all at the same time
a bearing down of the most incredible energy

This is less visioning than a premonition
I know if I vision too hard I take away the element of mystery that I have asked for this experience to be

Giving birth is world bridging
Giving birth is being a portal for spirit 

No books will prepare me for the initiation I will receive
Maybe it will be ecstatic
Maybe it will be so intense that I shudder at the memory
Maybe I will get fucked by God
from the inside

May I will regret not doing much research… or birthing bootcamp like we are cramming for some sort of exam our bodies already know the answers to 

This experience will be whatever it needs to be
what I need it to be
what my baby needs it to be
what we signed up for
for our learning 

In saying all this I am setting a clear intention in this birthing
of activation of myself as a channel for rainbow light
for the greatest surrender I have been yearning for
for grounding and the primal strength of the whole Universe combined

I’m calling in all your backing and support
and feeling oh so grateful to be a woman… to be a mama… birthing a new life… birthing a new earth

Aho... 

On collaboration & unity

This has been coming up for me a lot... The call into a greater sense of community and tribe.

The star beings have been reminding us, giving us little nudges to tell us that we are not as separate as we "think"... dropping juicy hints and messages that we are in fact each other.  Pure consciousness made manifest in human form so this polarity is in fact an illusion (a bit like linear time).  Inlakesh ala k'in - “I am you. You are me.”

This is a requirement of the next stage of the video game.  We are watching the world seemingly descend into chaos and greater polarity (in religion, extremism, politics, Brexit etc) when really we are being called into the one heart of unity consciousness.

As I write this to you I acknowledge that this is simple for me in the energetic realms where my multidimensional selves are working in service roles across many space time realities.  If you ask me to wrap the earth in rainbow light frequency and attune to the one heart grid - I would say - YEP - DONE... easy and effortless in fact!    

But in the physical things are a little different... there is still something that makes me fight to hold myself in separation, seclusion and dare I admit it... even judgement of others! (even admitting this to you makes me feel dirty and uncomfortable). 

Why is that I ask myself...? 

For me there are many factors right now:

The more I raise my own frequency and start to fine tune my ability to read energy, there are some places and situations I do not feel to be.  What could be compelling to one being might be repellent to another, particularly in this human form that we are having the joy of experiencing right now.  This - for me - is intensified by pregnancy as my frequency radars are on high alert and I practice greater discernment about where I should place my hard working, baby growing physical vessel.

I have to clear this up though - the higher the frequency you are attuning to the less you need to worry about "lower vibrations".  When your field is strong and amplified the "lower stuff" either bounces right off or you can welcome it in and do some magical transmuting - both energy bodies willing... so really it doesn't matter where I am as I am a frequency converting machine!  This is part of my purpose on the planet but I guess I am just a little more guarded with my energy in this special time.  

Hierarchy is another factor that springs to mind.  I feel myself attracted to those who feel "higher", more advanced in their abilities and more plugged in to the energetics of our Universe.  Driven by the yearning to up-level, I call in those who can help me in this way, and often find myself rejecting other nourishing communities as they don't feel congruous to my mission in this moment.  Maybe you would say my ego is driving my need to enable more of my gifts... but in my heart I know this need to help our planet in the process we are in runs deep through many of my levels of self.  In this very moment I have chosen similar roles in other bodies and places to help guide us through this important time on the planet.  So the more I can activate the more efficient I can be - if that makes sense.   

But... with this rejection of others comes the uncomfortable sadness of separation... once again playing the role of the lone ranger...  

One thing we must remember is this... although we are shifting into a time of greater unity, we are still living in a physical body and with this physical body comes the ego and the need for an identity. AND I personally do not think ego is a dirty word.  My ego motivates me to evolve and grow so long as I am able to differentiate between it and my consciousness (or multi-selves as I prefer to call them).  So perhaps it is not our path to fully dissolve into the collective of pure consciousness that we are.. or maybe it is? Either way I plan to continue to enjoy all of this human-ness and the emotions,  sweetness and challenges it brings.      

Another epiphany as I write my way through this (sorry to drag you on my journey of self exploration).  

An acknowledgement of greater change happening in my own field right now.  A reflection on how my "tribes" have shifted over time and now, the more "off planet" I go, the more I need to realise that this will likely bring another shift in circles and physical community. (in this moment I have to say I am SO GRATEFUL for the full power sisters I am journeying with in many of my circles, astral and online communities).  As weird as it sounds, to live life in telepathic communication and on the internet chatting to new found (or more long lost) sisters - magnetised together as we have information and medicine to share - is actually really awesome, especially while I am a bit too pregnant and tired to leave the house.  

But is this really healthy one might ask?  Is it healthy to continue on this solo mission that I seem to have chosen...?  

And the icky judgements that rear their ugly head from time to time (and believe me they do).  When this happens I take a deep breath and recognise that it is but a simple reflection of stuff that makes me uncomfortable in myself.  I pinch myself and do my best to drop into the heart and practice love and acceptance... all whilst secretly revelling in the fact that I still have more shedding work to do.  

Triggers are good for showing us where we need to shift and grow.  Maybe it's karmic, maybe it's past life sh%t... who cares... there is some good strong medicine to be taken right there!     

But back to to topic and what I really want to leave you with today.

What if I were to say to you that community and collaboration is what we are here to remember? 
All of these goals that we set ourselves of learning, growing and doing are service work are important but what if I were to say that the ultimate mission is for us to remember how to work together.
To combine our energies in the dissolution of self...
to UNITE in the heart... 

There is no other destination that to work together with no sense of competition... only cooperation.

Image - Mystic Mama